Thursday, October 13, 2005.
Well, here it is Thursday already. Didn’t make it into work yesterday. Woke up at 4:00 feeling like crap, then again at 6:00. Finally made it out of bed at 10:00, logged on to the work webmail, found out that uncle Steve is in a Paris hospital after chest pain, looked for the modem number to dial into work, never found it, talked to Dad on the phone, and ended up swallowing myself up in a whirlpool/cesspool of self-pity, worry, PMS, physical discomfort, guilt, and generalized depression. I moped around for almost two hours with alternating tears and clenched teeth, trying all my positive inner dialogue, amygdale down mantras, biofeedback, trolley pulley, higher energy, intention, and my efforts seemed to have been week or shallow, since I never did align myself with anything other than more self pity that I wasn’t able to pull out of this funk and leaning back towards, “Perhaps I can’t make it without Zoloft”. Eventually after mentally enumerating all the ‘things’ that were up for grabs in my worry box, I metaphorically crawled out to the living room couch. Frank did his best with all his it will all be ok, everything will work out/get better, and even now has it in his head that after watching Lexie all day he is going to look for a part-time evening/nightshift job. My physical symptoms subsided, I really needed someway to overcome my hyper analyzing the negative aspects of everything attitude. So we decided to do something free and fun, we drove up to the zoo. “Hell,” I tell myself, still in lingering in self-pity, “This may be the last year we can have a zoo membership.” I even had the gall to be all bitchy and tense while we got ready. I was sweet as pie to Lexie, gave her a shower got her all excited about going to the zoo. Frank, on the other hand, got my sulky, bratty attitude. He sure handled it all very well. The longer we were at the zoo, the better I got. Lexie had a blast and brought me back to the moment. I still cried my patootie off when we watched ‘Because of Winn-Dixie” later that night, but I’m feeling a little better today. – Came into work and they changed the door code to the server/safe room. That threw me for a loop. Now back to normal. Catching up for another lost day, and well, whatever. – Just got off the phone with Mom, who helped me get back to a little reality. – I think I’m going to look back into making a homemade cat condo/gym. We just need some 4X4s, some plywood, a jigsaw, nails, carpet, and we already have a staple gun. I miss our old one so much. They just loved it to pieces. I think it would be awesome to have one on the back deck for Miadda, Tiki, Chikita, and TurkeySwoop. Too bad the store-bought ones are so outrageously priced. I think I’ll come up with a design and see if I can’t talk Frank and Dad into helping me.
Word(s) of the day: LITTMUS LOZENGES
Lexie log: At least she had a terrific day yesterday. She always loves to have Mommy and Daddy both there when she wakes up. I showered her in the half-bath shower with the shower wand, which she loves. It’s like a big old water sprinkler to her. All she could say until we got there was that we were going to the zoo. She still has some issues with the size and reality of the animals. The last time we were here, she was not communicating so well, so the only way we could tell was that she would lose interest or cry. Now she is fascinated by them, calls them by their name (I mean like bear, or monkey), but if they are in too close proximity to the human/animal barrier, she gets nervous after a while. She kept calling the sea lions ‘whales’. She went up to the glass to get a good look at them up close and personal (and I mean like only the glass separating, these guys were just as interested in us as we were in them), but after a moment or two, she was ready to move on talking about it being ‘scary’. She liked the penguins, was fairly leery of the monkeys, and by the time we got to the elephants, she was tired. She could have cared less about the tiger, however when she spotted the Sponge Bob ride she went nuts! Last time we were here was in the spring and didn’t fit the height requirements, but this time she was a good quarter inch over the line. So, Daddy sat out on the benches and Lexie and I rode the ride. While I was getting the tickets, the guy selling them strongly cautioned me about how young she was. He said that they leave it up to the parents, but that usually children younger that 4-5 freak out. After the slightest second thought, and I mean slightest, I chuckled and thought to myself, “You don’t know my Lexie!” And of course, she had a blast! Next time we’ll sit in the front row middle. She just kept laughing and looking at me. The only thing was that right at first, with her being tired and all, she wasn’t too happy about being strapped into a seat, but I distracted her until the lights dimmed, and then it was all about fun! That made my whole day! We’ll definitely go on that one again!
Today I’m grateful for Frank and Lexie, all the colors of the rainbow, rides, the zoo, aged cheeses, heaters, warm clothes, cuddling, family, calm after storm, stormy weather, winter, weekends, fun stuff, happiness.
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